i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
