Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
