Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This is the high leading the old right now
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
