Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
