you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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