if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
