I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I need water and some morals
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
