There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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