She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i drank out of a bidet.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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