dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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