My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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