I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Your dad touched me again.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize