I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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