mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
