Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
