Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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