Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
