can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
