Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize