Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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