hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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