just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
