my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
