So drunk its hurt
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
