Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
