I looked at my own cervix.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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