i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
