i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
