Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
