I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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