Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
