1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
