i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Is Oprah even human
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
