First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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