I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
