I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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