before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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