Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
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