I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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