Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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