pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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