i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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