I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
They have beer where we have blood.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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