My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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