Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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