Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
