Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
