I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
