You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
