You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
