If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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