were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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