fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
love makes seman taste better
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
