a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
