I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
All I want is dick and wine.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
