i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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