Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
