I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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