On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
