dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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